How was your stay?

• Excellent thanks

Dreadful

• The limo picked me up at the airport and delivered me very smoothly.
  

The shuttle bus wasn't running, so I had to persuade a taxi driver to take me the two miles after he had been in the queue for half an hour and he bloody nearly killed me.

• Your special checkin was fast and efficient - just what I needed after a long hard day.

(Actually the best ever was Dunk Island - the arrivals hall at the airport / resort is a bar, and as you arrive they serve you a drink and whisk your luggage off to the room)

I had to stand in line for bloody hours waiting for you to take a set of information from me that you already know - hopeless.

• The room was beautifuuly furnished, the desk was big enough for my laptop with a plug and free wireless internet connection.
  

I don't know how you managed to design a room with 10 lights and still everywhere is too dark to read. The TV is set at such an awkward angle that you can't watch it comfortably from either the chair or the bed, and by the way it doesn't work. 20€ a day for an Internet connection is daylight robbery, and where is the cable? 

• The bar and restaurant were excellent, and the executive lounge was a delightful haven.

Last week in the your hotel in Warsaw you invited me to the Executive Lounge as I am a silver/golf/platinum member. This week, you tell me I can't use it!?!? So I wandered down to your bar, which was full of loud drunks, smoking their brains out. The restaurant was totally dead and the menu was about as appealing as a vasectomy reversal.

• The bedroom was beautifully quiet and I slept like a log.

Strangely enough, listening to to the couple next door have a flaming row, accompanied by an air-conditioning unit that was gasping its last breath didn't lead to a good night's sleep. The pillow appears to have been stuffed with ball bearings.

• A beautiful bathroom with everything I needed.

The shower was designed by an idiot, so that you couldn't turn it on without getting covered in ice-cold water. The shampoo and soap were impossible to open with wet hands and the shower poured all over the floor of the bathroom. Where was the hair-drier? Oh yes, miles from any mirror - bright. The shaving mirror? Designed for extremely vertically challenged people. Did anyone ever try the room out?

• One of the best breakfast buffets I have ever seen.

A sad collection of unappetising food, for which you wanted to charge me an unmitigated fortune when all I wanted was a cup of tea and a roll.

• A modern gym, a swimming pool and a golf course - magic.

A smelly little box room with a broken bike - yuck.

• The staff were extremely courteous and helpful.

I object to some rude git asking me for a tip every time I appear.

• Checkout - perfect, did it from my room and am already on my way.

I'm still standing here waiting to throw this at you, because it appears to be beyond your comprehension that lots of people will want to check out at the same time. There would be even more of us standing in the queue here, if the lifts worked.